Michael and I broke up one week before we left for South Africa.

Is this a travel blog, or a relationship blog, or an overly personal diary of my emotions at difficult times in my life that might be more appropriate kept to myself?

Yes.

All of the above.

I realize things when I travel.  I discover, rediscover and reinvent myself when I travel.  When I am struggling and confused, I travel to unravel my world.

I flew to Durban to attend the International AIDS Conference, as a representative of the Global Forum on MSM and HIV.  Watch Charlize Theron’s keynote address for an eloquent breakdown of the health disparities caused by the politicization of our racism, sexism and homophobia.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sJQ7RfQby0

“We value men more than women.  Straight love more than gay love, white skin more than black skin, the rich more than the poor, and adults more than adolescents.”  Preach.

Durban sidewalks

The Beach in Durban

Then after Durban, Michael met me in Cape Town.

Break ups are never easy.  What you thought would happen is not happening.  What you wanted when you started out, is no longer what you want.  Or at least, one of you finally understands or admits that you never wanted the same things.

Michael and I split up in the most loving way that I could imagine ending a relationship, and I have a pretty good track record.  With only one real exception, I am on good or great terms with the men and women I have loved in my life.  But that doesn’t mean that the break ups weren’t filled with anger and pain.

But in this break up, though there was immense sadness and concern for each other, there was never anger or purposely inflicted hurt.  There was heartbreak for what could have been, had we been slightly different people.

Cape Town

Cape Town is nestled in one of the most beautiful setting of any metropolis, cradled between the surreal grandeur of Table Mountain and the Southern Atlantic.  It rivals and reminds you of Rio in the way that a single glance takes in urban and natural grandeur.  And like Rio, the incongruity of wealth and poverty and overwhelming natural beauty living side by side is both sobering and intoxicating.

The view from the cable car ascending Table Mountain, as you enter the clouds.

Rock Hyrax clinging to the side of Table Mountain, called “Dassies” by Capetonians.

Cape Town has become a foodie and coffee culture, two things I love best when I travel.  And, because the dollar is so strong against the rand, we could not spend more than $30 on a five course meal at amazing restaurants like Chef’s Warehouse and Canteen.

Kudu and other stuff at Chef’s Warehouse and Canteen

When I travel, I have a near compulsion to eat the most exotic traditional foods I can find.  Within two days in Cape Town, I had wolfed down delicious dishes of  zebra, warthog, alligator, kudu antelope, ostrich and biltong (dried meat of whatever is around, apparently).  Though I’m an adventurous eater, there have been traditional dishes on other trips that I didn’t love.  Footnote:  the Peruvian “delicacy” of fried hamster, which is tossed, legs spread, into hot oil.

Michael and I worked diligently for years to construct a life together.  We never had any misconceptions about our differences, but we wanted to make it work.  Each of us made our relationship a priority and neither of us wanted to give up on it.

And as I started to process the break up in South Africa, I wondered.

Was I making amends for past mistakes?  For the seven year relationship that I have beat myself up about for more than a decade, wondering if I could have tried harder, or tried differently.  The relationship that I wonder if I could have saved had I been 5 years older, or had we been able to get legally married.

Or for the relationship that almost ended in drunken violence, followed by ego-crushing, personality-defining shame over how close it got.

Or was I making amends for the relationship that was a mistake, the one time in my life I truly chose someone bad for me?

Did I work so hard because I found myself in a karmic loop started in a past relationship, when I was in love with a man who was in a sexless relationship with a partner that he couldn’t leave?

Next time:  The view from the end of a relationship and the end of the continent.