I definitely am not on island time in Hawaii.

(Preface:  I didn’t post these originally on Nov 13, 2015.  It seemed insensitive to post on the day of the Paris Terror attacks.  Though it may still be indulgent to post now, I guess moving forward with my own examined life is a simple way to pay an insignificant tribute to those who died and to not allow terror to control the motion of my life.)

Here’s how I function during a normal LA day.  (And I’m certainly not defending this…it’s just how I go through the day.)

I take short shallow breaths.

I’m always in motion.

The day begins with coffee, and then when I get too anxious or stressed, I go for a coffee break.  It’s a feedback loop – after the coffee, I’m more anxious, my breaths are shorter and my heart pounds faster.

I walk fast, and I’m generally thinking about 3 blocks ahead.  Literally.  It wouldn’t surprise me if I got in a car accident because I was picturing myself a half mile farther down the road.

As I write all of the above, it sounds ridiculous.  And uncomfortable.

I realized today, that the only time in my regular life that I slow down is when I zone out.  And my version of zoning out is when I go to the movies or I watch TV.  That is when the perpetual motion stops.

Slowing down shouldn’t require zoning out.

Going on vacation with people stresses me out sometimes.  I’m not good at just letting things flow.  If I am at all responsible for the planning of the vacation (and have you met me, I’m a planner) I have an urgent need to make sure that my travel companions are having the most amazing time of their lives.  If every moment isn’t chock full of experience, I must be letting them down.

Even when it is just my boyfriend.  I’m always watching to see if he has having a good time.  Are you sure this is the restaurant you want to go to?  Do you want to do more touristy stuff?  Which beach should we go to?

It exhausts me just to think about, and I can’t imagine it’s any more fun for him.  I’m an overachiever, even on vacation.

I realized today that I even get anxious about planning a day for myself on vacation.  Am I filling my day with the most fun/the most interesting/the most memorable moments?   Should I go kayaking or go on a hike?  Ugh.

Obviously this problem is entirely my own creation.  It’s my monkey mind.

Monkey mind is a Buddhist term for the restless, indecisive, confused voice in your head that you try to quiet during meditation.  It’s the part of your mind that won’t sit still, that keeps going off on tangents, often destructive, and never in the moment.  The opposite of listening to your monkey mind conversation is being present in the moment.

So, as I’m out on a boat today, snorkeling off the reef of Molokini, trying to stay 100% present in the moment, it’s my monkey mind that is chattering “What are you doing after the boat docks?  You have a whole half day left.  Was this better snorkeling than last time?  Should you buy a snorkel instead of renting next time?  It’s two hours later in LA, I wonder what is in my inbox?  Is someone else seeing better fish?”

So, today, I’ve been working at being present where I am.  And when monkey mind intrudes, I try not to get frustrated, but I gently recognize what is happening, and either tune him out or try to calm him down by not letting him get me worked up.  (I guess I picture my monkey mind as a man…hmmm.)  It’s meditation without sitting – gently recognizing monkey mind for what he is, and not letting him control me.

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I love good food.  It makes me calm down when I sit eating a good meal.   It’s like the quality of the food makes me realize that I don’t need to be worried about anything else.  And that rarely means a white tablecloth type of meal.   I’ll go for local hole-in-the-wall anytime.

Last night, I had a sublime poke bowl at Coconut’s Fish Café, with just the right amount of tuna, ginger and wasabi.  Today, I had one of the best plate lunches I’ve had in years at Eskimo Candy.  Maybe that’s another proof point that I am, at heart, Hawaiian.  I have an odd love for the combination in one mouthful of creamy cold macaroni salad and kalbi ribs.  (or teriyaki chicken or fried fish or pork katsu…)  And shrimp trucks on Maui, like the Geste truck, are one of the greatest street food delights in the world (and I do love my street food).

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I met a gay couple on their honeymoon on the snorkeling boat today.  Graham and Jeff didn’t scream gay, but they definitely sotto voce whispered it.  Plus they had matching wedding rings on.  I struck up a conversation with them, by asking if they were on vacation or on their honeymoon.

Tomorrow, small victories over Monkey Mind.  And surfing.